How's Your Sense of Humor? (page 3)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!.. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I’m pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, privates nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to the picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand, by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
Unbelievable! That hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt before, or wish to feel again.
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over my drooling.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe, was coming from my hair. I’m still looking for my privates and offering a significant reward for their safe return!!!
P.S. My wife loved her gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!